Hello, hey, hi! I come back.
I know, I know. I tend to be very good at returns when I never even said goodbye to begin with. I apologise. I can assure you of one thing though: writing is the one thing I always come back to.
Those few previous sentences took so much and so long to write and that is exactly why I have been away. Our relationship is a contradiction, writing and I… …open honesty and I. That is also my relationship with life as a whole.
The plan was to write a whole thing about where I have been and how I have been, sort of, but I do not know how to that.
“I don’t know.”
I use this phrase quite a lot lately. I sit in different sessions with different people who are trying to keep me alive and well-functioning week in and out and I think I expect them to help me, but everything they ask about, I tell them that I do not know. I talk to my friends about just anything and I keep saying “ha ke tsebe”. I do not know what how I feel. I do not know what I want. I do not know what happened. I do not know why it happened I do not know what I am hoping for. I do not know why I did it. I do not know they did it. I do not know why I stay. I do not know why I leave. I do not know why I write. I do not know why I stopped or could not. I do not know why I sleep, eat, breathe, blink… I just do not know. I do not know whether I really do not know the story or I just do not know how to articulate it well.
I do not think I know how to speak anymore, not really, not exactly. I do talk quite a lot though, a yapper they say, but never when I have actual control over it and I am the one steering the wheel.
This week, I made a voice note to respond to a friend of mine and it was more or less me coming to a greater realisation that I do not know how to structure my thoughts and express them anymore. It hurt me.
Gosh, writing this feels like a torturous experiment. It’s really hard. I am not expecting you to read even further because this is just me jotting down my thoughts as they come and lately, my thoughts have absolutely zero direction when I need them to.
I had a terrible sleep last night. The bad dreams refuse to go away; I guess night monsters exist lol. That did not deter me though. I woke up and made a proper breakfast while listening to music. I felt calm and I was hoping that the slow morning would regulate my nervous system. Did it work? I mean, I am crying as I once again force myself to write because I have been having this gaping hole because I had not been writing for a while. I do not know how I feel.
I need to go and study after this. Studying…what a concept! I shall not expand further on this but yoh!
This is really a whole bunch of nothing but I’m just going to keep on writing.
I crash out on my WhatsApp status a lot. It feels so humiliating for me afterwards, but I always somehow go back and do it. My existence in general feels like a humiliation ritual. Is this an insulting thought to the God who came up with life in general and created me to be a part of it? I have been having such a hard time with the guilt that comes with how my mind operates while also trying to stay true to my faith. Anyway, this feels no different from those WhatsApp crash outs. I am venting on the internet, yikes! I just want to keep a digital diary so that one day I may be understood, especially by me, and I am honestly trying by all means to not be forgotten while also trying to erase my existence at the same time.
How do you handle living? Not the challenges and all, just the concept of life and you living in general…
Hello, I come back!
And I hope no one reads this, at least not yet.
.Mpho
Dorky Perky Writes 