Tag: grief

First cramp and baby, I was ready;

Ready to hold you in arms,

To promise you my eternal love.

Ready to go through the temporary heart-wrenching next hours of pain,

Just to finally bring you into this world.

 First trickle down my legs

And my swords and shields were set,

Ready to protect my little girl from the big bad wolves.

My precious fighter baby,

Fighter from the day you were conceived;

But my baby, they said the carpet was stained…red.

Red.  Red.

You were warning me,

Waving red flags,

Shouting “Mama, save me”,

But mama went numb to your SOS;

Shocked up and shut down.

I woke up from that dream baby,

Woke up without you in my arms

Or anywhere in sight.

Woke up to shameful doctors

And to your daddy’s tearful eyes.

Whispered “where is my baby”

With the answer already clear in mind,

That was not a battle you could have won alone.

Woke up to hesitant extra careful we are very sorrys.

Where was my baby?

Give me my baby!

When I fought to see you,

It was not to try affirming their words,

It was to try another fight,

But I’m not God.

Not even my motherly caress on your cheek

Could breathe life back into you.

All I wished for was to kiss you goodnight

But my only kiss was saying goodbye;

Goodnight till forever, my baby.

When your skin met mine,

All emotions fled me,

All but adoration and a love so loud,

So loud it rang through every pore of my being.

A noisy love for your pale limp figure;

You,

My burning love in a body of ice.

Cradled you to my chest,

Held on to you for dear life because

My baby, with you,

Stone cold felt like a burning comfort.

Grief is a hard chain on me,

My baby, I’m drowning.

Tell God you need me,

I need you.

This melancholy never gets old,

My peace is never quite real.

I am in pain, baby.

It hurts.

Come back,

Mama is lost without you.

…

still birth

my soul drowns in grief

still birth

I am still in disbelief

still birth

my baby is gone

still birth

it’s all too much to bear

still birth

how does a mother mourn the life of her child who never lived

who never lived anywhere but inside of her?

.Mpho