blog – Dorky Perky Writes

I recently watched the movie People We Meet On Vacation. That is where the quote in today’s title comes from. Just like I usually do with fancy words put together like that, I believed that I could relate. I do not. I am a girl, yes, but I definitely have not been everywhere. Somehow though, just as I do with almost everything, I had already jumped into those shoes and dug the depth of that question’s reality deep into my skin. Being an empath might just be an illness.

In 2019, during one of my life’s greatest peaks and season of incredible achievements, also brewed (because I believe it began far back) the ‘coming out’ of my greatest turmoil. I had won a national writing competition earlier in the year, fancy wins if you ask. With the wins came interactions I thought to be meaningful, and they were, just add some vicarious trauma to the meaning as well. Like I said, living in your head and resting in a field of thoughts and emotions, yours and those unintentionally borrowed is a life whose chaos nobody prepares you for and one whose reality you cannot outrun by simply romanticising or forcing yourself to focus solely at the positives. Feeling is a lonely place to be.

This piece is not about travel, more about emotional mileage rather (and mileage runs out or something right? Don’t know much about cars and stuff).

When we say ‘everywhere’, we usually mean places with coordinates. Something on the map. Cities. Airports. Photographs because if it’s not in print, it probably never happened. I think I have been everywhere in a different way. Through other people’s grief, through borrowed dreams, through the heavy pause after conversations that changed me without asking permission (and really, you wouldn’t think to ask to permanently stay in a place you don’t even intend to land).

I have been everywhere that feeling can take you when you do not know how to close the door.

Back then, in beautiful tragic 2019, it felt like my life was expanding faster than my body could hold it. Achievement piled on achievement, and with it came proximity. Proximity to stories, to pain, to realities I did not yet have the language or boundaries to survive, despite strong belief that I did. I was praised for being ‘deep’ ‘insightful’ ‘wise beyond my years’. Nothing new really. Just that nobody warned me that depth can flood.

What they do not tell you about being the beloved caring sweet empath is that you do not just feel more, you feel earlier. You arrive at questions before you are equipped with answers. You stand at emotional crossroads long before your peers know there is a journey there at all. And then one day you wake up tired, not from going nowhere but from being everywhere at once.

I guess those words in the title do resonate with me after, or maybe I found a way to relate, just like I always do.

Being an empath requires a visa, because the visa-free travel has no limitations as to where you may go and how far you may reach. You just hop from flight to flight with limitless destinations because wherever the wind blows you, you are ready to go. Nothing prepares you for the culture shock or the language barriers or the foreign feeling of when it all hits you. And sometimes, when you are in destination number lost-count, basking in the sun, enjoying the wash of the waves and the smell of the sea, you only realise way too late that the UV’s been frying you (because when you move without plan, you sometimes forget your sunscreen).

If I had a passport stamped for every place my psych has taken me, it would have long overflowed with stamps from places of which some I cannot name. I’ve gotten the tans, but also the burns. Felt the breeze but also been swept wildly by the gale. I have been a snow angel, only to later get stuck in an avalanche. Empathy is dangerous territory that make it hard to tread carefully.

Back to square one. I wrote this because I was once again in my feelings because just like Poppy in the movie…

I guess I am her too. I am the girl who has been everywhere. Who is always on vacation, trying out a brand-new emotion and toying with exotic thoughts. I am the girl who has learned a lot but never how to stay still without absorbing the room.

I do not know where she goes now. I only know that she is tired of mistaking endurance for purpose.

.The Sun

Today is the 31st March 2024, Sunday. Mark the date.

It’s windy, a little bit cold (depends on who you are asking, definitely not me). Dorky Perky Writes is back. Mpho, the writer, is back. Welcome to rebirth.

I came to a realization lately. I never chose writing, it chose me. Before I knew I wanted to write, I needed to write. With such cases, you can never run fast enough. You cannot hide, you cannot escape, because it always catches up. So when you want to ask me how and when I fell in love with writing, the answer is: the moment I knew how to write. Writing for me is a way of life and my words are easily one of the most beautiful parts of myself.

The past few months have been a lot. I did not take a sabbatical from writing, not intentionally at least. I was heavy with things I wanted to write, words I could not speak, words only pen and paper could make sense of. However, even as I laid my pen on the paper, my hand could not move. Even when the words were too loud in my mind, my fingers did not even shake. It felt unkind. It felt like a betrayal. It felt like the one thing I had always run to had turned its back away from me. That is how I know that when something is meant for you, it will always find its way back to you, because I am BACK and I am here typing this. As I tried crawling back to it, writing sprinted its way back to me.

With a fire greater than before and a burning passion to make a wording of life, love, death, birth and anything really. This time, I refuse to stop. I refuse to have my silent noise silenced by any form of whatever. This is a gift that has been ordained upon my life by God and that is a power nothing can stand against. Now let us enjoy the ride. I have stories to tell, rants to share and poems to breathe out.

A LITTLE UPDATE ON LIFE

I still love clouds. I have come to learn that I am far more passionate about the human mind and how the brain functions than I had led myself to believe.

I had my first flight experience and I think I did not appreciate it as much as I thought I would have, and I have learned to accept that that is okay. I am learning to accept that a lot of things are okay as they are, that it is okay to just be. I am learning to fall back in love with the world, even if it does not give most of us a lot to love lately. I am learning the depth of the meaning of “the smallest things matter”, because they do.

I moved to a new city, a new country and there is still a lot to unlearn and learn, but I think I am loving this life a little more each day. I am realising how blessed I am each passing day. There is a lot I am grateful for, and gratefulness is a beautiful state to be in.

I am learning that Mathematics is like The Fault In Our Stars, because it also explains that “some infinities are bigger than the others”. I have come to accept that Python is not just a snake, because I have chosen to spend a fraction of my life cracking problems in code.

Life has been rosy, and it also has not been.

I am learning that growth is one weird process, lol! However, I do not wish to be young again. I wish to prepare my soils, plant my seeds, water them, watch them sprout, harvest and then plant some more. I wish to be more grateful for my harvest, even if it is not perfect. Seasons differ, the drought is too bad sometimes, the winter too cold. I wish to be okay with the fact that sometimes there won’t be any harvest. Also, I wish to tend to my flowers because I deserve to bloom.

I am learning that reality and dreams can co-exist, and they should. I am learning that every step of my growth is important, no matter how small. I am learning how to hold myself accountable when I should, and how to know when I should not.

I am learning that I really do like talking and I like having these little rants, and that I do like silence too, that I can be both the blabber and the quiet observer.

And I have just come to the realisation that I have a lot I want to write about, a lot to share, a lot to say. Perhaps in the next blog post? Stay tuned, I’ll be back sooner than you know.

So much to tell you…

SPECIAL DEDICATION TO:

Lenny (Popi); thank you for reminding me that there is no point in trying to blend in when you are born to stand out.

Teddy; thank you for reminding me why I write and pushing my hand to move the pen without even being aware of it. Thank you for believing in me enough to remind me that I am really great. You have no idea what you have done.

.Mpho

Tag: blog

“Where does the girl who has been everywhere go now?”

A RESSURECTION. A REVIVAL.